...my private sin

Well, work is continuing to go well. Saturday will be my first day working alone, which has me slightly nervous. It shouldn't be too hard, though. I've been assured that the freight will all be out by then, and so I'll just be helping customers and organizing shelves and such. It's still going to be different not to have one of the others there. I pray that it goes well.

In other news, I have been having a little struggle again this week with my old enemy, daydreaming. Now to some daydream may not seem to be anything major, but with me it's different. Ever since I was a kid, I have been using daydreams as a form of excaping reality. When I'm in daydream mode, I'm kinda plotting out a way that my life could drastically change and fit into this lovely little story all my own. I'd spend days and even months working on one, while walking around in a half present state. After a while I simple couldn't continue with the current one, and so I'd start on another. Anything could trip one off. Sometimes I'd have two or three going at once (which is confusing, but I could keep them fairly straight in my head). I half lived in these daydreams, half believed that maybe they could come true, while knowing at the same time that they couldn't. Some were innocent enough, but some were very bad. Often if I had just read a good book, or almost any book, I would start entering that story world in my head, claim it as my own, and try my best to become a canon part of it. It never really worked. In the past few years, especially the past year, I have been striving to let go of these daydreams. They have been terribly unhealthy for me, and also very very selfish. I had been going fairly good for a couple months now, but the other day I had one pop up again. It's taken me two days to beat it back down. I have heard many people at church talk about how they had been addicted to various things, be it drugs, alcohol, sex, and so forth. How those things can be soo entising. You could say that daydreaming was my drug, my addiction. In some ways, more dangerous than drugs and alcohol, because it is all purely in my mind. There's no way that I can just physically throw it away. I can be more careful about what I read, the movies I watch, and conversations that most likely will bring on such urges, but really, the most important thing is that I don't let the first thought get at me, but to instantly turn my mind away from it, not let it grow. This is really the first time that I have been able to explain more fully about this, though I have mentioned it before to various people. With God's grace, I will be able to live without daydreams. I know that what He has planned for me is much greater than anything I could ever dream up on my own.