March 31, 2006

witnessing....

Something I have been thinking on lately is witnessing. In church a few weeks ago we heard about this little old man in Australia who handed out tracts to people. The story told about all the people who came to God because of this man's faithful witness. I loved hearing this story. Then the other day I was talking to a lady I've known for many years and told her the story. She liked it, and told me about how she had done something similar last summer. But there was one major difference in the two stories. The lady told me that she had gone up to a couple and asked "if they died tomorrow, would they go to heaven?" Then she asked if they wanted to pray to ask Jesus into their hearts. With the little old man, on the other hand he came up to people, handed them a tract, and asked "if they died tomorrow, would you go to heaven?" and he left it at that. It was after that that the people he had talked to went and sought out someone to talk to, someone who could explain the scriptures to them, and then finally, they personally asked Jesus into their hearts. Do you see the difference? Now I'm not trying to make the lady seem like a bad person or anything, but I really don't hold to her approach. I do doubt if the people she talked to really had asked Jesus into their hearts. What reason would they have? Now, I don't like coming to conclusions, but it seems likely to me that they simple 'prayed' to appease her, and maybe as an 'insurance policy'. Now in the other case, the people had time to think, study, search their hearts, and realize that they need Jesus, that without Him they are doomed.

"Captivating"

Yesterday my mom gave me a book. It is one that the ladies in her church are reading. It's called "Captivating", and it's about being a woman and such. When she first told me about the book, a was a bit, well, on my guard, so to speak. I read the first chapter. My first thoughts were that it was kinda interesting, but it seemed a little bit off. Then I started reading the first chapter over again. I realized what had bugged me the first time through. It's "self centered". It talks some about how God created women to be different then men, but really, it seemed to be trying, even encouraging, women to think even more about themselves, and how wonderful they are. It also says how the women we look up to in church are always tired from working so hard. I had to put the book down. It just left a bad taste in my mouth. Now, I know that God made women different then men, made us to serve a special purpose as women. What really makes me disgusted about this book is that we as women, and humans in general, already think about ourselves far too much. And I don't see the women I look up to as being overworked and tired as is described in the book. I see them as joyful and wonderfully blessed women, who put others before themselves. Women who aren't trying to be shining examples of womanhood, but women who are trying to follow God's will for their lives, who put aside themselves and strive after God. Their lives change because their heart has changed. Following God is what's truly important. He will take care of the rest. I'm not saying that the women I look up to are perfect, but that their heart is in the right place. That's what I want to be, a woman after God's own heart.

March 23, 2006

...my private sin

Well, work is continuing to go well. Saturday will be my first day working alone, which has me slightly nervous. It shouldn't be too hard, though. I've been assured that the freight will all be out by then, and so I'll just be helping customers and organizing shelves and such. It's still going to be different not to have one of the others there. I pray that it goes well.

In other news, I have been having a little struggle again this week with my old enemy, daydreaming. Now to some daydream may not seem to be anything major, but with me it's different. Ever since I was a kid, I have been using daydreams as a form of excaping reality. When I'm in daydream mode, I'm kinda plotting out a way that my life could drastically change and fit into this lovely little story all my own. I'd spend days and even months working on one, while walking around in a half present state. After a while I simple couldn't continue with the current one, and so I'd start on another. Anything could trip one off. Sometimes I'd have two or three going at once (which is confusing, but I could keep them fairly straight in my head). I half lived in these daydreams, half believed that maybe they could come true, while knowing at the same time that they couldn't. Some were innocent enough, but some were very bad. Often if I had just read a good book, or almost any book, I would start entering that story world in my head, claim it as my own, and try my best to become a canon part of it. It never really worked. In the past few years, especially the past year, I have been striving to let go of these daydreams. They have been terribly unhealthy for me, and also very very selfish. I had been going fairly good for a couple months now, but the other day I had one pop up again. It's taken me two days to beat it back down. I have heard many people at church talk about how they had been addicted to various things, be it drugs, alcohol, sex, and so forth. How those things can be soo entising. You could say that daydreaming was my drug, my addiction. In some ways, more dangerous than drugs and alcohol, because it is all purely in my mind. There's no way that I can just physically throw it away. I can be more careful about what I read, the movies I watch, and conversations that most likely will bring on such urges, but really, the most important thing is that I don't let the first thought get at me, but to instantly turn my mind away from it, not let it grow. This is really the first time that I have been able to explain more fully about this, though I have mentioned it before to various people. With God's grace, I will be able to live without daydreams. I know that what He has planned for me is much greater than anything I could ever dream up on my own.

March 14, 2006

learning about beliefs

Well, work has been going really well so far, excepting that I need to get a different pair of shoes for work (We're supposed to wear black shoes, and the only black ones I have right now aren't in very good condition, and make my feet hurt). It really fun "playing" with all the shoes, and learning how to identify them by their numbers and such. On tuesday the freight comes in, so we had to clean out the shoes (take out the paper that they wrap the shoes in and such) and then put them out and organize the ones already out and make sure we have all the sizes of each type and all that fun stuff. The times really seems to fly by, and there's soo much to do. I work again on sunday morning before church, only for about an hour and a half (the 'manager' wants me to know how to do something that they do on sundays... I'm not sure why, since I can't work a sunday shift, but oh well...).

In other news, after a rather difficult weekend with my family, I have decided to start a more in depth study of catholic beliefs and such, so that I can be more equiped when conversing with my relatives, as well as be able to understand where they are coming from. I have picked up a book from the church bookstore that has some basics on Catholic beliefs and how they differ from what the Bible actually says, and I find it very interesting. My aunt Kathy (A strong Christian, as well as a catholic) is going to see if she can find me some info as well. This is going to be a big project, and I just pray that God is with me through it all, and that He leads me to what I need to know, and that I don't get bogged down in legalism and all that junk that doesn't really matter. How better to reach out to someone then to know of the culture in which they were raised? To be able to really understand where the beliefs come from, and to be able to use some of those very beliefs to lead them to the truth. As I've heard in many places in the past year, the biggest mission field today is within the very "church" (of any denomination).

To go along with this, I also need to have a fuller understanding of my own beliefs, and to act on those beliefs, for it doesn't matter what you are saying to someone if your actions are saying the opposite. For too many years I just floated along and believed whatever people told me to believe, without really understanding it for myself. I don't want to do that anymore. I want God's guidance and wisdom to lead me, I want the Holy Spirit to truly be in control. To hold God's Word within my heart, and not just in my head. ANd to reach out to others with the wonder of God's mercy and grace. What greater call for a persons life then service to the Creator of the universe?

March 07, 2006

Praise God!

Well, I got the job at Kmart! I will hopefully be starting next week. It's only part-time, but I'm still very very happy about it. And it pays weekly, in cash, so it's pretty sweet. Oh, I am sooo thankful. And thank you all for praying for me on this.

In other news, I babysat on last saturday for a friend of my aunts. There were two kids, a boy around five years old, and a girl somewhere between one and two years old. They're very energetic kids, that like running and climbing and jumping, and she likes getting into anything that is within her reach. My heart went out to their mom, sheseemed like she just has more then she can handle right now. After the kids went to bed, I went and washed some of the dishes for her (I would have done all of them, but I was getting really worn out after 4 hours...) It was just such a blessing to be able to help her out with that, though. I wish I could have done more. When she got homeshe paid me a bit more than I though I was going to get (not that I had an amount in my head or anthing, I never really worry about how much money I'm going to get, I don't really do it for the money). She told me that her kids took to me really well (I didn't even realize that, I thought they acted that way to everyone...) and that she would call me if she needed someone to sit for her again. She hadn't seen the kitchen until after that, which I'm glad of. I didn't want her to think that she had to pay me more or anything because I helped with dishes. She said that she might just call me some time to help out around the house in general as well as for sitting the kids. I'd really like to go back and help her out again, not for money, just to help her get her house under control. SHe asked me if I was good at organizing and such. I'm not sure on that one. My room really doesnt look all that "organized" though I say that I just have too much stuff, and so it's overcluttered. I like cleaning for other people more then myself anyway (right Beppy?). It really was such a blessing to be able to help that family.

And now with that, I get to go clean the bathrooms here at my own house. Yippy!

March 02, 2006

trusting in God, and His blessings

This week has been a week of realization for me. It's like God has been showing me more and more how this world is not my home, and to trust in Him, and just to give my life fully into His hands. To stop thinking about me and what I want to do, and instead think about others, and what I can be doing for them, how I can be showing them true christianity by every aspect of my life. And you know what, I love doing it! It brings me soo much joy and happiness to do things for others, instead of for myself.

Tomorrow I have my interview. I just keep praying that this is the job God has for me. Though I try not to worry, I am coming up very short on money, and am not sure how I am going to pay the bills that are already sitting on my table. I know that God will provide for me, but it is unnerving being put soo close to the wire. I don't really need money for anything else, but I do need to get these bills paid off.

In other news, I just learned some wonderful news yesterday. To give a little background: A few of my cousins are in this acting troup type thing, and the group puts on a big show every spring. I have never missed a show since the oldest of the girls started in it, and now is the first year that the youngest will be in it. With everything going on with my job situation, as well as all the happenings at church, I really doubted weather I'd be able to go this year, having no gas money, and needing to be back for sunday service (they live around 4 hours away). Then yesterday, I get an e-mail saying that my aunt and grandma are going down, but have to come back saturday night (they usually all stay through sunday), and so I called my aunt and talked to her, and she said that they had been wondering if I'd want to come with them. It was just such a blessing, and I know that God has opened this door. Now I pray to be a light to my family while I am with them. They are all very catholic, but I still wonder at their actually being saved. I pray that God will give me the words to say, and the wisdom to know when not to talk. I pray that He guides my actions as well, that they may see the difference in my life. I do not get to see my family very often, and want to be able to make the most of it while I am with them. I want them to know the joy and the real life that there is in Jesus.