relapses...

This week has taught me how very far I have still to go. With one thing and another, I found myself again daydreaming. It starts with just the smallest idea, and then it grows, until I find myself just pacing and letting my mind go rampant. I can't find anything to do with myself because my mind is in this other space. It's such a hard thing to fight, partially because I actually find myself enjoying it, at least for a time. I has always been fun to wonder about things. I just go too far... too far... I really need lots of prayer on this.

Removing distractions

This is something that I've been thinking and trying to work on for some time now. There are soo many things that are only distractions or time wasters in my life. It's not even that I use them very often, but they're still there. One big one right now is video games. I know some of you probably don't even know that I play them, but I do (rpg's and such mostly). I tryed to pack up all my games and my PS2 and all in a box and put it away, but I ended up taking it out again. I finally decided that the only way to keep myself away from it is to get rid of it all. I'd like to sell it, the PS2, the games, all of it, and save the money for something much more important. If anyone out there is interested in the console or the games, just ask. I even have a few players guides to go with some games.

The other thing that I'm wondering about is something that I'm really not sure how to handle yet. One of my favorite things is books. I love my books, even if I don't read them very much. I don't see them as a terrible thing in themselves, but I wonder if they are another thing that is just in the way. I need to do some serious praying about this.

I just want to start spending time doing things that are worthwhile and not just, well, selfish. It just doesn't seem that that is the way a christian should be. I know that that's not what God wants for me.

meaningless post...

Wow... I haven't been on for a week and I have a TON of catching up to do (meaning reading other peoples blogs). If you don't know, I usually check on everything about once every day or two, but for some reason (which I haven't discovered as of yet) our computer that we use for internet is not turning on right now, so I haven't been able to go online at all. Right now I'm at the coffeehouse, but actually, I have to get going, just wanted to say that... yeah...

a busy life

It's been an interesting past week or two. I've been learning a lot. I've gone from times of great joy, to times of trials, even within a few hours. I've been working a lot (compared to what I expected, at least, though some people would say that I work very little). I've found that God has led me back, slowly but surely, to babysitting. I've been kinda against it since working in EC. I just really had a hard time there, and just.... I couldn't stand looking after other people's kids. Now God has been showing me that I can do it. I have been babysitting for my aunts friend for a while now (about once a week or so) and now I'm going to be babysitting for a lady in my mom's book group (the very one reading "Captivating"). She has two girls, both in school, and I'll be sitting there every other week, at least once a week. I just went and met her today, and her girls. One is such a tomboy you can hardly tell she's a girl. The other is fairly ladylike and very honest (you know that refreshing child-like honesty). I think it will work out well. Then there's my job with the shoes. Last week I worked Almost every day, even though I was only scheduled for 3 days. My manager person was down with the flu, so I picked up her hours. It really is an answer to prayers, to help pay my bills and everything. Tomorrow is going to be my only "free" day of this week. Wednesday is going to be.... busy. I have work in the morning, and as soon as I get out of work, I pick up the girls from school, and head to their house. Then at around 5:30 I take them to youth group and head stright to my church for bible study. I'm going to need to actually pre-plan a bit for it. It will be good for me, though. The biggest thing I have to make sure I work into my schedule this week is actually getting things done around my own house. I am still very badly distracted by books (I read one and a half today...) and keep putting off my household duties. Luckily, after I finish the other half of this book, I won't have any more to distract me (I should finish it tonight, and I don't think I'll have time to get to the library until thursday for more). The thing is is that I just LOVE this author! It's Janette Oke, and I've so far read 4 series' (or I'm finishing the fourth). There are still a few more series' and then some seperate books that I have left to read. I just love the way that she writes, in such a realistic and helpful way. There's a lot of real wisdom in her books. It's not like any "romance" that I've ever read (christian romance).

In other news, my birthday is coming this weekend. I'm planning a small get together at the Munchies on fri, and then I'll be going to my dad's for supper on sat. It will be soo fun. 22 years on this planet. It's hard to think of.

witnessing....

Something I have been thinking on lately is witnessing. In church a few weeks ago we heard about this little old man in Australia who handed out tracts to people. The story told about all the people who came to God because of this man's faithful witness. I loved hearing this story. Then the other day I was talking to a lady I've known for many years and told her the story. She liked it, and told me about how she had done something similar last summer. But there was one major difference in the two stories. The lady told me that she had gone up to a couple and asked "if they died tomorrow, would they go to heaven?" Then she asked if they wanted to pray to ask Jesus into their hearts. With the little old man, on the other hand he came up to people, handed them a tract, and asked "if they died tomorrow, would you go to heaven?" and he left it at that. It was after that that the people he had talked to went and sought out someone to talk to, someone who could explain the scriptures to them, and then finally, they personally asked Jesus into their hearts. Do you see the difference? Now I'm not trying to make the lady seem like a bad person or anything, but I really don't hold to her approach. I do doubt if the people she talked to really had asked Jesus into their hearts. What reason would they have? Now, I don't like coming to conclusions, but it seems likely to me that they simple 'prayed' to appease her, and maybe as an 'insurance policy'. Now in the other case, the people had time to think, study, search their hearts, and realize that they need Jesus, that without Him they are doomed.

"Captivating"

Yesterday my mom gave me a book. It is one that the ladies in her church are reading. It's called "Captivating", and it's about being a woman and such. When she first told me about the book, a was a bit, well, on my guard, so to speak. I read the first chapter. My first thoughts were that it was kinda interesting, but it seemed a little bit off. Then I started reading the first chapter over again. I realized what had bugged me the first time through. It's "self centered". It talks some about how God created women to be different then men, but really, it seemed to be trying, even encouraging, women to think even more about themselves, and how wonderful they are. It also says how the women we look up to in church are always tired from working so hard. I had to put the book down. It just left a bad taste in my mouth. Now, I know that God made women different then men, made us to serve a special purpose as women. What really makes me disgusted about this book is that we as women, and humans in general, already think about ourselves far too much. And I don't see the women I look up to as being overworked and tired as is described in the book. I see them as joyful and wonderfully blessed women, who put others before themselves. Women who aren't trying to be shining examples of womanhood, but women who are trying to follow God's will for their lives, who put aside themselves and strive after God. Their lives change because their heart has changed. Following God is what's truly important. He will take care of the rest. I'm not saying that the women I look up to are perfect, but that their heart is in the right place. That's what I want to be, a woman after God's own heart.

...my private sin

Well, work is continuing to go well. Saturday will be my first day working alone, which has me slightly nervous. It shouldn't be too hard, though. I've been assured that the freight will all be out by then, and so I'll just be helping customers and organizing shelves and such. It's still going to be different not to have one of the others there. I pray that it goes well.

In other news, I have been having a little struggle again this week with my old enemy, daydreaming. Now to some daydream may not seem to be anything major, but with me it's different. Ever since I was a kid, I have been using daydreams as a form of excaping reality. When I'm in daydream mode, I'm kinda plotting out a way that my life could drastically change and fit into this lovely little story all my own. I'd spend days and even months working on one, while walking around in a half present state. After a while I simple couldn't continue with the current one, and so I'd start on another. Anything could trip one off. Sometimes I'd have two or three going at once (which is confusing, but I could keep them fairly straight in my head). I half lived in these daydreams, half believed that maybe they could come true, while knowing at the same time that they couldn't. Some were innocent enough, but some were very bad. Often if I had just read a good book, or almost any book, I would start entering that story world in my head, claim it as my own, and try my best to become a canon part of it. It never really worked. In the past few years, especially the past year, I have been striving to let go of these daydreams. They have been terribly unhealthy for me, and also very very selfish. I had been going fairly good for a couple months now, but the other day I had one pop up again. It's taken me two days to beat it back down. I have heard many people at church talk about how they had been addicted to various things, be it drugs, alcohol, sex, and so forth. How those things can be soo entising. You could say that daydreaming was my drug, my addiction. In some ways, more dangerous than drugs and alcohol, because it is all purely in my mind. There's no way that I can just physically throw it away. I can be more careful about what I read, the movies I watch, and conversations that most likely will bring on such urges, but really, the most important thing is that I don't let the first thought get at me, but to instantly turn my mind away from it, not let it grow. This is really the first time that I have been able to explain more fully about this, though I have mentioned it before to various people. With God's grace, I will be able to live without daydreams. I know that what He has planned for me is much greater than anything I could ever dream up on my own.